My World is Changing, I'm Rearranging, Does That Mean Christmas Changes Too?

Christmas is in exactly 6 days. And I'm really indifferent about it. I'm feeling as if I've stepped through the looking glass and somehow ended up in December. Work has been really great as usal. Unfortunatly hours are going to be hard to come by after Christmas because we hired too many new people. I may have to taken a second job on the weekends. But the good news is I was selected to represent our store at the Chick-fil-A bowl at the Georgia Dome on New Year's Eve. But I don't think I'll actually get to watch the game after we're done working. . . never fear! I'll hopefully be hanging out with the beautiful Megan in Augusta land!

The love life is great. Christmas day will be two months for Christopher and I :) I love him.

I'm reading this book called Sex God. It's fantastic. I think I'm going to try to finish it on the way to Chris's family gathering tomorrow. Or today rather I guess since it's nearly 2:00 in the morning.

The Holiday is such a freaking cute movie.

I bought Chris fishies yesterday :) We named the black one Token. . . hahahahahahah ;)

I Only Know That I Belong Where You Are

This week has made me want to delete my facebook. Apparently, there has been a lot of drama going on with my friends from work. Since I have the luxury of having a life I don't live on it unlike some people I know. Literally every time I have pulled up may page this week, my news feed has been polluted with negative statuses and trash talking comments. It's really unnerving. I miss the days when everyone at work got along. And what's sad is that the drama has nothing to do with work or things that happen at work. But somehow it's all connected.

This crap irks me.

Anyway. . . things with Chris and I are still good.

I'm just bored. Not with anything inparticular. I think it's the weather. Nothing super exciting going on.

I learned today that my beautiful Giselle (with her minor injuries) not only is a fantastic car, she also doubles as a boat. Downtown and Macon Road were SUPER flooded today. I hate Georgia weather.

No let me rephrase, I just hate Georgia. I'm so ready to move out of this God-forsaken state. Who honest to God loves it here? I want to move away so badly. I just need some excitment in my life. I hate it when things get routine.

It's almost like that monotonous feeling I had over the summer. This is my day.

Class.
Shower.
Work.
Go to Chris's.
Sleep.

Wow. . . when you put it like that no wonder I'm bored.

I did escape to Starbucks for 45 minutes yesterday and basked in the bliss of enjoying a delicious latte and reading a book. I'd like to start every day like that.

The End.

So Maybe it's True That I Can't Live Without You and Maybe Two is Better Than One.

I've always loved Boys Like Girls but lately I've been listening to them a lot. They make me smile. And so does Christmas music! Now I can listen to it and be happy because it's CHRISTMAS TIME! I LOATHE it when people forget about Thanksgiving and skip on over to Christmas. It really rubs me the wrong way.

The other day was a month for me and Christopher. I'm surprised he's kept me around for this long. Things with us are great. I didn't think we would be able to spend Thanksgiving together but he came and ate with my family and I got to go spend time with his. I really love his family. I always envy people with larger families because mine has never been that way, even before we seperated. It makes me sad around the holidays to not have that experience. I really hope I marry into a large family because that's what I want. Kids running around, everyone being really loud, lots of food, and everyone getting a long. I just wish I was lucky enough to have that. Family has always been really important to me since I'm lacking in that department. It's always been super small and everyones normally angry at each other. It sucks. Who wants to go home to that?

Work is still good. :) I really wish I could work more. . . I like it for some odd reason. *Shrugs* Most days any way.

I miss my Megan. I wish I could make the pain go away sweetie :( You're too gorgeous to be single. I don't understand.

And then there's you. I wonder if you still read this. I doubt it, but I sometimes like it when I forget you exist. It stings a little when your name pops up on my phone. So I try not to answer. I'm over you.

India shared this song with me. It's kind of creepy how we're living each others lives right now :) I love my Inja the Ninja! It reminds me of when Christopher and I first started talking. <3

Near to You- A Fine Frenzy

I love Christopher. Honestly, I never thought I could love like this again. As corny as it sounds he really knocked me off my feet when I wasn't looking. Yes it's soon. But when life ends as you know it, you just know. I think I was so scared because I knew we we're perfect for each other. Everything just clicked.

My mom told me some startling stats that I didn't know about my dad and her. Apparently on their third date my dad told my mom he was going to marry her. Christopher said something similar to me early on in our relationship. My mom married at 21. I turn 21 in July. SCARYNESS!!!!! It's just weird to think about.


But even if we don't stay together (Hoping we do though), Christopher's given me the best gift anyone could ever give: He taught me how to love again. :)

I'm So Addicted To All the Things You Do <3

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! Despite the minor setback of my directing analysis and an unfortunate car accident, this week has been amazing. Yeah the front bumper of my car is gone :( My parents are pissed and so am I.

I'm really into Chris. He's got all the attentive qualties that I love without being overbearing. I didn't think it was possible. We've been together everyday this week and can I just say I'm crazy about him. It's very bizarre because I don't usually get too attached. . . and I'm starting to. No good. But I'm trying to be careful and remember to continue to think with my head and not my heart.

Last night we were snuggling and he told me that I make him really happy, and he hasn't felt like that with a girl in a long time. Then he asked me to be his girlfriend :) And I said yes. YAY! Man, Chris has thrown me for a loop. Right when I was thinking I was never gonna get over Micah and never be ok, he shows up and knocks me off of my feet.

He let me stay asleep after he left for class. And literally 20 minutes before he came back home, I had a stupid nightmare :( WHY!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?????????

I'm gonna have to tell him. He has to know :( It's not fair to hide it from him. I waws just hoping this could wait. . .

I want to trust him.

And that's even scarier. I'm falling for him.

Could We Begin Again? Once Upon a Dream :)

WOW. That's really all I can say about this weekend. First of all I hang out with Josh, Travis, Chris, Ramsey, Lindsey, Ashton, Ashley and Jordan on Saturday. We had a blast doing the Cinnamon Challenge and just goofing off. Late that night, were were just chilling and I was on my laptop and this guy that I'd been talking to online facebooked me. I should have known better because it was definitely booty call hours but he asked me to come over and watch a movie so I did. I have never been so pissed off in my entire life. I'm ok with kissing and stuff, but my God. . . after telling the guy 6 times that I don't want to have sex you'd think he'd get the picture! It was awful. And I was on freaking Base so I had no idea where the hell I was.

It was terrible.

I was upset the next day and really ashamed of myself. The day before I had sent a message to an old friend that I hadn't seen in almost a year. And he decided he wanted to take me out. Ok so maybe I planted the idea in his head. :) How about some background info shall we?

When I was a wee freshman in college I had an immediate roommate named Jessica Cannon. She really made my first semester. . . interesting. :) You see she was dating this guy named Chris who treated her like a Queen. And she didn't deserve him. Jess was not the best person in the world and was kind of attention starved. She made up all these lies about Chris and eventually got me, the RAs and the police involved. It was terrible. And then they got back together. Go figure huh? Anyway, Chris kind of confided in me a couple of times through the semester and I'd say we were definitely friends. But it was hard when things went sour with Jess and him because I didn't know who's side to be on. To avoid awkwardness in my living situation I stopped talking to him. After Jess moved out he and I chatted a few times but that was really it. The following Fall semester he asked me on a date. Randomly. Hadn't talked to the guy in MONTHS. I went out with him but I wasn't so sure about the whole thing. I was super busy with school and work and RA that I didn't think a relationship would be smart. Plus he CLEARLY was not over Jess. They were still having issues. So I let a good guy go. And didn't really think about it too much.

So the other day he popped up on my news feed on Facebook. And let me tell you this guy was cute before, but he got some tats, slimmed down some, and OMG he's freakin hott now! Obviously, I had to message him and see what he'd been up to. And maybe he'd still like me and wanna take me out.

Of course, I'm a wonderful planter of ideas and he took me up on it. Sunday night we went to see Paranormal Activity and got dinner. BTW it was freakin scary as hell! I was really scared after the movie and didn't wanna go home. I mean come on have you seen my apartment? Alone at night, it's pretty scary. So he asked me if I wanted to go hangout with him at his place and I thought that it was a perfect idea. :) We went to his place and watched TV in his room. . . ok confession I was falling asleep in his arms and HE was watching TV. But I was content. It got later and later and i was really sleepy and trying to stay awake. And the whole time we were cuddling he didn't try anything. He didn't even kiss me. I couldn't believe it. It was wonderful to NOT be pressured for it. And that's when I knew that he was perfect lol.

He was playing with my hair and stroking my face and then FINALLY he kissed me. Soft, sweet, perfect. It was great. And then we realized what time it was and he asked me if I wanted to stay the night. . . and I felt so. . . I don't know. . . giddy? Happy? Ridiculous? I stayed. And I'm so happy i did. It was wonderful. No pressure. He just held me. And it just felt right ya know? Like that's what I was suppose to be doing and that's where I was suppose to be. We woke up this morning super early because he had class. And he just gently pushed my hair out of my face and looked at me and told me I was pretty. And I melted. So simple and so genuine. :) We laid in bed for a while just holding each other and stealing kisses every now and then. It was wonderful. And then we got up and he took me home and he went to class.

And I've been walking around with this stupid grin on my face all day. Gosh I feel like I'm in high school again. . . which worries me lol. But I'm not gonna worry. I deserve to go out with a gorgeous and awesome guy. So I'm going to. Nuff said.

Now I need my beauty sleep. I'm gonna see him super early tomorrow :)

Hooray!

I'm Your Biggest Fan, I'll Follow You Until You Love Me. . . Papa, Papparazzi :)

SO the past few days have put a lot of things in to perspective. On Sunday Mrs. Tyson, my theatre teacher from high school let me come and see a dress rehearsal of the Insanity of Mary Girard which is their One-Act Competition piece. She wanted my critique of the production before they go and compete. It really meant a lot to me that she wanted my opinion of the production and views me as a colleague and not a former student :) The show was great and I'm sure LHS is gonna kick some ass at State!

And the hott guy that I went on a date with has dropped off the face of the earth. . . typical.

BUT NEVER FEAR! A new guy is on the fore-front of winning my heart. We've been talking since Saturday and I'm really liking him a lot. Unfortunatly he is serving our country in Afghanistan and won't be back until March. Sad day. But he is a Christian, super tall, has tattoos, and is making GREAT conversation. Normally, guys write one or two sentences (maybe a paragraph if you're lucky), but this guy. . . man he's writing PAGES! I'm constantly checking my mail waiting to hear from him. He's fantastic. I've got a little crush ;) I'm hoping maybe we can Skype soon. He's really cute. . . and adorable. . . and I like him a lot.

Work's been ok. I wish people would listen to me when I make suggestions. I'm normally right lol. . . still holding out for that promotion.

Fall break was good. GTC starts tomorrow so hopefully that will be fun. No theatre classes! But I have a midterm in my one main campus class in a few hours. Gross I know but I love the class and it's super easy.

I'm thinking about Micah less and less nowadays. I think I might finally be getting over it! Yay for progress! It freakin took me long enough!

Hmm. . . I wonder what time it is in Afghanistan?

Why Does Love Always Feel Like a Battlefield?

So my date went amazingly. I had a GREAT time, and it was nice to go out with someone different and not result back to the same comfortable repeats I always keep up with. It was wonderful to take a risk and live a little. Jake is gorgeous and hilarious and I'd like to go out with him again, but we shall see.

Work has been good. I'm getting a LOT of hours again which is fantastic.

I think I'm finally getting the picture with Micah. He deleted his facebook and got a new one and didn't ask me to be his friend. I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks and when I finally did cave and texted him, it didn't sound like he was thrilled to talk to me. Why am I wasting my energy on caring about someone who could careless if I text them or not? My point exactly. It's stupid. So if he does't care if he's a part of my life, fine. So be it. I'm exhausted from caring hahaha.

Sadly, my Tigers lost today :( That's ok Florida's over-rated anyway.

Boys are stupid.

Hickies are fun. . . and funny.

Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder. And sometimes it's not true. I realize that I don't really miss you all that much. In fact, I don't even love you all that much. Sucks don't it? I'm sorry that you're in love with me and I don't feel the same way. You're a great friend though, does that count?

I'm in Henry County. . . And it's good to hang out with my puppy and parents. . . But I'm ready to go back to Columbus and get into some trouble :)

Cause You Know, I Don't Do Sadness Not Even a Little Bit, Just Don't Need it in My Life, Don't Want Any Part of it. . .

Despite the icky grossness that is occupying the air outside, today has been a pretty sweet day. Kim let us have a field trip in theatre practice. Yum Dunkin Donuts coffee :) And now I'm fixing to take a Stage Make-Up test on cuts and bruises. The class is super fun and I'm learning a lot. Work last night was horrendous and I'm hoping today will be better.

Tomorrow I'm going on a date with someone new. I'm excited about it but at the same time I'm just hoping that he's not in it for long term or anything. Boys are my favorite waste of time. He seems like he'll be fun to have around for a spell.

But I'm super stoked about going home this weekend. I miss my puppy. And my parents. And a certain someone that I'm not even planning on mentioning to him that I'm gonna be in town. I don't think he'll care. And even if he did, we won't hang out. By the way I haven't heard from him in over a week, because I'm being a big girl and waiting on him to text me. I think I'm realizing that he's not going to. . .

But that's ok. I love him anyway. Pathetic, I know. It's not that serious. :) But I'm hanging in there and enjoying the autumnal pleasures that October is bringing. Life is wonderful :)

Can't wait for Halloween. I'm thinking of doing another Wizard of Oz character. . . maybe a sexy Dorothy or Galinda?

It's Chill in the Wind But it's Warm in Your Arms. . . We've All Got Our Junk, and My Junk is You.

The weather today is GORGEOUS! I love the fall. It reminds me of so many things. . . mainly high school related and early college years. Like to me the soundtrack for fall is Spring Awakening. I love driving home in the morning hours with the windows down and the radio blasting My Junk and Don't Do Sadness. Football, Colorguard, Pretty sunny days with a cool breeze and light sweaters, the leaves changing, Halloween, going home, Thanksgiving. . . I just love it. It also reminds me of happy times relationship wise. October is such a romantic month. Well, I guess since I haven't been updating much I should probably recount my actions for the past few weeks.

I've been as busy as ever doing crew things for Streetcar and Tortuga. I've also been working up a storm. My first directing analysis nearly killed me. I know I did horribly because I waited so long to start it. My next one will be amazing. Luckily my scene goes up Thursday and it's going to be wonderful. My actors are really great and have done a fantastic job.

As for my romantic affairs. . . basically I've decided I need to hand out pamphlets to all boys who are seeking anything with me. In it, it shall plainly state that I am a horrible, selfish, girl who has a lot of baggage and is already in love with a man that you could never even dream of competing with. So please don't start falling for me because I still have a lot of growing up I need to do. I'm so tired of leading all of these guys on. I know what I want. And I know I can't have it. That doesn't change the fact that I want to try still. Isn't that stupid? I mean good God it's been almost 6 months. Shouldn't I be over it by now?

Kenny and Sarah on CosmoRadio did a special about breakups. I need to find out when the replay is and have a listen.

I think I'm horribly selfish because even though I'm more than aware of my faults, I still want that companionship. I still want someone to love me, even though I really don't have anything left to give in return. How awful am I?

I hate that I hurt him. . . and I hate that I'm not making it any easier. I just hate myself for all this garbage.

Damnit. . . one day I'll be over it. But today is not the day. And until I stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. . . I'm probably just going to find a new victim to take on.

Please pray for me that I'll kill off my selfish desires and think about the other people I'm hurting. I think deep down I want someone to feel just as badly as I do.

This is real, this is ME! by JamieLynn07 featuring Old Navy

And On Paper We're Great and Our Stars are Alligned and it Looks Like it Was All Meant to be, But Night After Night I Keep Shutting My Eyes. . .

School is finally in full swing and I'm loving it. It's hard working and going to school but there is nothing else I would rather be doing. Less stress and less mess than previous semesters. This weekend was pretty great and sucky at the same time. But everything has its highs and lows right? We went and saw Final Destination (which is terrible by the way, save yourself some money and don't see it.) and Halloween 2 which was phenomenal! Saturday I had to work and afterwards I headed over to see my most favoritest person India at the Cantina. Then we got Starbucks and headed to the mall for some bonding time. I then found out that one of my dear friends Scott, may not be doing so well. So please keep him in your prayers. Scott, be brave and you're gonna be fine :) And then I got food poisoning. . . EVIL CANTINA! I was really bad off. Throwing up and lower back pain. Luckily, Chris came to my rescue and brought me medicine :) I got a lot of sleep and felt better today. Then I was faced with the reality of homework. . . sad day.

I see and hear things about you and it makes me freak out irrationally. Why should I still care? I'm really confused about a lot of things. I kind of feel like Allie in the Notebook. . . it's not that simple. No matter what I do someone's going to get hurt. But it shouldn't be about other people. I need to stop worrying about hurting other people and worry about what I want. What do I want?

I wish I knew.

Luckily, Victoria's Secret get's me through the tough times ;)

And I miss Megan Waite Steinberg more than life itself. MEGAN GET YOUR ASS TO COLUMBUS OR TELL ME WHEN I CAN SEE YOU!

It Starts Like This the Fourth, the Fifth, the Minor Fall, and the Major Lift and the Baffled King Composing Hallelujah

I haven't updated in a while and have quite a few things to catch up on. Let's go over the highlights shall we? Last month was my birthday. I turned the big 20 *whimpers* and all in all my actual birthday was really low key. Two days before I went White-Water Rafting with my church and had a BLAST. I freaking love rafting and wish I had the opportunity to do it more. My goal is to eventually complete the Olympic level course at Ocoee. I also want to try some other rivers since that's the only one I've ever done. But I came back and hung out with my mom the next day. We went to IKEA (which is like freakin HUGE!). The next day was my birthday. Really boring. The cake my mom ordered didn't come in because the company ran out of cookie dough for the day :( So Jamie didn't get an awesome birthday cookie cake. No worries. The next day I had a dentist appointment and went out to eat with my family before heading out to go see 42nd St with my mom. Super awesome!

And then I came back to Columbus. Back to reality. And bills. And work. Then me and some of the girls took a trip to Panama City, which was AMAZING. . . despite the minor drama setback. And now school starts in a few days. I have Convo friday which I'm kind of excited about. I miss my theatre friends and I miss school surprisingly. I'm so ready for directing. It's gonna be awesome!

I Had to Find My Way, The Day You Broke My Heart You Handed Me a Chance to Make a Brand New Start You Helped Me Find My Way

The past few days have been very enlightening. I feel that I should share my findings with all of you.

First of all for those of you who don't know my father was forced to go to the hospital on Tuesday. The day before he had gone in for a stress test and it came back abnormal. They sent him to Crawford Long for a heart catheter and I was really freaked out about it. It turns out that he's fine and just has to watch his cholesterol and take some medication for his blood pressure. No biggie but my whole family was really worried about it so thank the Lord for being amazing like always!

I went and saw Legally Blonde while I was home and thoroughly enjoyed it. Seeing the production really recharged me with feelings of girl power and reminded me that eventually you're gonna end up on top. It was a very nostalgic evening. Especially when it came for "So Much Better" it reminded me of when I got cast for the first time. The rush, the disbelief, tackling everyone in sight. It was a nice memory :) But it's a great show, maybe not the most well-executed, but really enjoyable!

The next day I went and saw Micah. And I was suprised by how easy it was. Like we just picked up where we left off. I didn't get upset after seeing him. I was totally fine. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I want things to be different? Of course. But I'm finally ok with it. I've accepted it. I realized that it's not happening at the moment (or maybe never, who knows?) And I'm compeletly alright with it. After hanging with him I went to hang with my mom at Best Buy, Target, and then Subway to get food before our movie started.

As I was perusing through the book aisle I came across a book that sort of took me by surprise. He's Just NOT That in to You. I was fully aware that it was a movie and in fact had seen it and loved it. It opened my eyes to a lot of stuff but I didn't know that it was a book first. Hmm. . . I pondered, I really should give this a read.

I picked it up (along with a really cute princess piggie bank!) and headed to see The Proposal with Mama. Great movie. Ryan Reynolds can make my babies any time he wants. He's gorgeous!

I started reading the book as soon as I got home. Very easy read. But here's the thing. If a guy is really in to me, he's gonna make it happen. He WILL ask me out. He WILL call. He won't forget about me, and girls we really don't give guys enough credit. They are just as resourceful and we are and will find a way to get in touch with us, whether he has to ask a friend, stalk Facebook, or look up and dial every name in the phone book to find you. If he wants you he'll put up the effort.

And you know what else ladies!?!? We've GOT to stop making excuses for guys! Any excuse they give you is a polite way of saying "I'm just not that in to you." We're all dating the same guy. He's super busy, just got out a serious relationship and wants to take things slow, blah blah blah. You've heard it all before. These guys are LAZY and who wants to date a lazy guy? And not only that, if YOU have to do the asking, what does that say about him? If he really wanted to date you he would ask. He's not too shy and he doesn't want to ruin your friendship.

So this is my new mantra. I'm not doing any more chasing. I'm not voluntarily giving guys my number anymore. If you want to be with me, guess what? You're gonna have to work for it. And yes I know it's gonna suck having to essentially wait around on mister right to find me. But honestly? Any guy that I have been in a relationship with where I asked him out, has ended. Guys like to chase us! It's more fun for them and gives them an ego boost.

This is going to sound cocky but I'm a good catch. And so are YOU, you foxy lady you! Women are worth more than having to make excuses for useless guys. So let's not do it anymore. If you're a chick and you're reading this GO PICK UP THAT BOOK NOW! And then go see the movie :)

And the enlightenment continues. . .
I was driving home from HCO today and was listening to my absolute favorite radio station in the world CosmoRadio on Sirius 111 and XM 162. My favorite DJ's Taylor, Victoria, and Kenny (Ok, everyone at Cosmo is my fav lol), shared some interesting statistics with me.

-86% of women are married by the time they are 40.
I'm stoked because I have 20 more years for a man to find me!
But then I recieve this piece of news. . .

-The average marrying age of American women is 25.

OH MY DEAR GOD.
I turn 20 in like two weeks.
SO in five years I'm supposed to be married or on my way to it?
Yes I understand a lot can happen in five years. . . BUT MY LORD!?!?!?!?!! I still feel really young. . . and 25 is young too!

I freaked out a little about this. I'm really upset about turning 20... I'm getting old and I don't like it!

But life is great :)
I'm deleting all of my online dating accounts. :)
And I'm thrilled about it.

Dream Within Reach, Don't Stray Beyond.

As many of you know, I don't sleep much. Or at least when I try to it's not a solid night's sleep. Stupid nightmares will wake me up or I'll just wake up for no reason. Unless I drink the night before haha. But last night was the first night in a long time where I slept soundly. And I had the most amazing dream. And it seemed so real. It was like my life was perfect. Megan and Chris were there with me hanging out in some random field while the sun was setting. And he was there. We all laughed and talked until the sun went down and gazed at the stars. He held me. And then he kissed me and life ended as I knew it, just like it always had before. And for a split moment all was right in the world. . .

And then I woke up. :( *Sigh*

I haven't really updated because nothing is really going on in my life. I'm constantly missing people. Even though I'm surrounded by a lot of people I feel alone. All the time. It's weird. I miss Megan. I miss Chris from home. I miss my puppies, Honey and Sugar. I even miss random people from high school that I hardly ever think about. And I'm pretty sure it goes without saying who I miss the most.

My fourth of July was ok. Hung out with work friends which was fun. But of course the fire department was there to monitor fireworks and such which made me a little sad. For some reason the fourth is a very romantic holiday. I don't know if it's the fact that it's summertime or the fireworks. . . or the fact that I'm usually with someone in a romantic fashion. The fireworks were beautiful and I could only think of one person that I wanted to share them with. Don't get me wrong I had fun :) I just wish. . . well, that things were different.

Work is going ok.

I'm addicted to Victoria's Secret :( I bought a new miracle bra last week which I've been wanting since September, and it's FINALLY gone on sale. From 50 bucks to 25. I was impressed with my patience. Ya gotta love sem-annual sales. My bathing suit separates were like 7 bucks each. But then I went to VS AGAIN and bought 5 pairs of really cute *PINK* undies. And then I went online and saw that the sales continue! I bought a pretty babydoll slip in light blue with matching undies. Can't wait till it comes in!

I'm going to see Legally Blonde next week!
And then I'll be home for almost a week for my birthday. And then 42nd Street!

YAY!

Comparisons Are Easily Done Once You've Had a Taste of Perfection

I never finished updating about the last two day of VBS. Fail me, I know but they went great so now worries.

But now I need to vent, which is a normal occurrence but ya know what? This is totally a legit reason to vent.

As many of you I've been playing around in the online dating scene. So recently, I met a guy on there. We talked on the phone and what not and he seemed perfect. Superhardcore Christian, plays guitar, sings, GORGEOUS, ridiculously tall, wants to be a firefighter *swoons*, and has a lot of moral values. He is totally cool about me waiting till I get married to have sex and respects me, ya da ya da ya da.

I meet him tonight. First of all, homeskillet brought his friend along. FAIL. But his friend was really hott so I didn't complain to much but his was our first "date" ya know? We went and saw Pelham 123 which btw is an AWESOME movie. GO see it. Like right now. . . well, finish reading my post and then go, ha ha ha :)

Anyway during the movie we're just holding hands nothing major and I'm thinking "Wow, this guy isn't gonna try to feel me up. . . I can't believe it this is great!" After the movie we (all THREE of us) go to my apt just to chill out and what not. His friend (poor guy) apparently has been through the mill lately and he just needed to vent about some relationship stuff, which was actually very insightful. And me and my date are just cuddling on the couch and it's all real low-key.

Well then his friend decides he wants to play piano. So my date decides this is an opportunity to make a move and freaking starts feeling me up! After he told me the day before that he would never do that on the first date. I moved his persistent hands several times and he was like I'm sorry should we do this later? And I was like yeah in a few months or so! WTF!?! Then he asks if we can go hang out in my bedroom. And I tell him ya know what? I've got a better idea, let's take a walk, outside. We go out side and tell him that I think his behavior is super inappropriate and I thought he was going to be a decent guy. He apologizes and says that I'm right and that he's way out of line and he promises to behave. So I say ok and we keep walking and he tells me that I'm so gorgeous and beautiful and that he really likes me. And then he kisses me. AND STARTS FEELING ME UP AGAIN!

GRRRRRRRRRRR!
I told him he better keep his hands in check. . . and he says he's just not used to being around really pretty girls. First of all I'm not all that and a bag of chips ya know? I'm ok. I'm kind of pretty but not like something to gawk over. So I ask if he just thinks it's ok to be overly touchy with pretty people? And he says no it's not, he's just an affectionate guy. There is a DEFINITE difference between affection and practically molesting! UGH! And he seemed so great. After that escapade I make a comment about the time and how his friend has a curfew and so they leave.

And now I'm furious because I KNEW this was too good to be true. I'm so annoyed. I shouldn't be dealing with this crap. I'm tired of meeting and going out with little boys. I want a man. I just wish he wanted me too. . .

I'm suppose to be hanging out with my old best friend Chris this weekend. Hopefully I'll be able to make it. My work schedule is kind of up in the air.

Went to the pool today. I'm super sunburnt :)

Boomerang Express! VBS 2009: Day 3

"Because He gave His life
Because He bled and died
Because He rose again
I come
I admit to God I am a sinner
And I repent and turn away from all my sin
And I believe that Jesus is the Son of God and that
He came in to the world to save us all
I confess my faith in Jesus as my Savior and my Lord
And I do this because of His great Love.
Because He loves me so
Because He made me whole
Because He is my friend
I come
For the wages of sin is death
But the gift of God is eternal life
Through Jesus Christ
So will you admit to God you are a sinner?
Will you repent and turn away from all your sin?
Will you believe that Jesus is the Son of God
And that He came into the world to save us all?
Will you confess your faith in Jesus as your Savior and your Lord?
Will you do this because of His great Love?"

So simple. Yet so true. These are the lyrics to the song that we learned tonight. Wednesday nights during VBS are very important because the emphasis is on evangelism for the evening. The teachers take time out of each of their lessons and explain the ABC's to becoming a Christian.

The ABC song on day three in the previous years is normally very upbeat and the kids LOVE it! But this year Jeff Slaughter, the composer decided to make the ABC song a ballad. I was extremely skeptical since the ABC song is such a hit every year. I listened to it and thought that it was gorgeous, but is it going to hit home with the kids? I didn't think so.

I was wrong.

As I watched my students perform the sign language to this beautiful song I became very moved. How easy it really is! It baffles me how in simple childlike faith we all can come to Him and admit our sins, believe in him, and confess our faith. And BOOM! You're a child of God. Wow! How incredible that God would give up his Son just for me? This simple girl from Henry County, Georgia was spared because Jesus loves me. And ya know what's crazy? He died for everyone. Not just me who doesn't deserve it at all. But the people who REALLY don't deserve it. . . it's insane to think about!

The kids loved the song. And now I have to do decide who's going to perform what when the parents come on Friday. EEK!

Boomerang Express! VBS 2009: Day Two

"It all comes back to JESUS!"

Can I just say how much I LOVE teaching these kids? It's hard work and it can be really exhausting but there is nothing I would rather be doing than teaching them ways to worship God through song and dance. It's one of the most rewarding things because they get so excited about the music and how everything applies back to Jesus.

Me and my four's and five's class got into quite a riveting discussion about Jesus. The lesson they learned in class (which of course directly correlates with the song they learn in my class) was about when Jesus walked on water and asked Peter to trust him. Peter of course took his eyes off Jesus and started to sink in the middle of this HUGE storm on the Sea of Galilee. . . but *DUH DUH DUH DUH!* Jesus grabs Peter before he starts to drown. Then everyone got back in the boat because the storm was over and the disciples all bowed down and worshipped Jesus.

After having the kids give me their own versions of the bible story I have to ask them a series of questions to get into the song for the day.

Me: Ok, so can anyone tell me why we worship Jesus?
Child #1: Because He's Jesus!
Me: Great answer. . . anyone else?
Child #2: Because we go to church! And our mommy's and daddy's tell us to!
Me: Um. . . well that's close! Who else?
Child #3: (who is having a major fit because I haven't called on her yet) BECAUSE HE'S THE MESSIAH!
At this point I'm impressed that the child in question can even say "Messiah"
Me: That's right! Jesus is the Messiah or God's Son. And God gave his only son to die on a cross to save ALL of us from our sins! Does anyone know how we know this?
Child #4: Because you told us!
Me: . . . .
Me: That's right I did tell you. . . but is there something else that tells us this?
Child #5: We know this because Jesus gave us church, and food and our houses and ALL of our toys, and my dog and kitty. . .
Me: Well, yes he does give us many blessings. But is there a BOOK that tells us this?
All Children: THE BIBLE!

And now you understand why I love VBS. Those kids are so freaking funny!

Tonight I think I'm going to have to get some coffee before we get started. By the time I'm done I'm freakin exhausted!

AND. . .
Jamie is suppose to be going on date two after VBS one day this week :)
Yay for pretty boys!
I love you guys thanks for all your prayers!

Boomerang Express! VBS 2009: Day 1

Today was my first day of Vacation Bible School for the week. Our theme this year is Boomerang Express. . . it's like an Aussie theme. But I'm teaching the music for the third year in a row and I have to say, I have quite a handful of kids. There were a little over a hundred that came through.

Ok so here's a basic layout of how the evening works. We have a Worship Rally starting promptly at 6:00 where I lead the kids (along with the help of my trusty assistant Jordon) in saying the pledges, the motto, a prayer, and singing a couple of songs. Then the kids leave and we get a break for about 40-ish minutes to get water, review our songs we have to teach, and chill out. Then at 7:05 the 5th and 6th graders come in. These are the oldest kids that I have to teach and let me just say, 5th and 6th graders think they are too cool to do music time. But they usually cooperate with a little pleading. We have each group for 20 minutes. Then my angelic 3rd and 4th come in. They are darlings because not only are they old enough to learn the songs quickly, they are very enthusiastic and think that Jordon and I are the coolest teachers ever.

And then come 1st and 2nd grade. Oh my. Well they are sweet as they can be and really love music time. . . but they are just a little bit ADHD. They are really adorable because you ask them a question about anything and the answer, no matter what the question is ALWAYS Jesus. Hahahaha. Too freaking cute.

Well. . . you would think the evening would be close to over. Oh no. The four and five year olds are next. And they are STOKED about music. I mean really. But they are SOOOOO excited that they can't sit still and ask a thousand questions. They are quite a handful. But we get everything done and don't have too many problems.

This year I was asked to add another class on to my normal four rotations. Two and three year olds. Now I'm not sure if you are aware, but preschoolers and toddlers. . . they have to do things a thousand times over and over again to learn a song and have to be told to sit still and pay attention, and let's be honest, the choreography and song lyrics are WAY too difficult for them. But I was asked and I will follow through, but next year this will not be an option. It's way too much for them, and by the time they come in I am exhausted and only have 5 minutes before we have to do the closing rally.

Tonight's song was really cute. It's called "I'm-a Gonna Follow." The kids really liked it.

I'm realizing that teaching is really my calling. I love hanging out with the kids and they really look up to you.



IN OTHER NEWS:
I went on a date last night :)
With a really GORGEOUS guy. . . and I really like him. He seems like a great guy and hopefully we'll be doing something again later on this week. YAY! But I'm being careful, just in case anyone's wondering :)

Your Voice Was the Soundtrack of My Summer, Do You Know You're Unlike Any Other? You'll Always Be My Thunder. . . So Bring on the Rain <3

For some reason I'm feeling incredibly alone tonight.
Maybe it's because my supposed best friend's family tried to get me in trouble with my parents.
Maybe it's because I went on a date last night that didn't go so well.
Maybe it's because I'm becoming more and more disconnected from people.
Maybe it's because I'm madly in love with someone who doesn't love me back.
Maybe it's because I can't have a dog.
Or maybe it's because I'm a whiny bitch.

When I get lonely I make really bad decisions. Which I'm trying to avoid doing right now. . . even though I so desperatly want to call this person and tell them to come over since I'm in Henry County right now.

But that would be stupid. :(

What would it matter though? I mean honestly? The only person it's gonna hurt is me. And I find that irrelevant at this point. Let's be honest I can't get much broken than I am now.

I am tired of being in this funk! I'm tired of being emo. I HATE being like this!
I used to be this ball of happiness. In high school I was such an incredibly happy person but now. . . I don't know where that girl is. Or who that girl is. I don't know who I am now anymore. And I hate it when people say that but I feel like that's where I'm at now. What's wrong with me? It's almost as if I need something to live for.

This is my normal day. I wake up at 11 or later. I get ready to go to work. I go to work from 2-10:30 or later. I go home. I sit on the internet and maybe talk to a few people. I got to bed and do it all over again.

Monotony.

Don't get me wrong, I'm getting to a point where I actually love going to work. Keeps my mind busy. Hopefully, I'll be getting a promotion soon. I really want to be a Team Leader. Which means another raise.

I'm teaching VBS at home next week. And I'm really scared. Not about teaching the kids. I love it, and they're great. But, I'm suppose to put in some time at Truett's. And we all know who works there too. Hopefully we'll be on opposite shifts or something. I don't think I'll be able to handle it. Actually, I can handle it at work. I won't be able to keep myself together at home though. . . and that'll be worse.

I went and saw Jersey Boys tonight. I LOVED it! Even though there were a TON of older people there dancing around drunk off their asses thinking they were at a concert. *Rolls Eyes* I mean really people? It was very annoying. But the show was amazing and in that two hour span I was happy. And then I had to leave my sanctuary, my escape. The theatre is a truly magical place and sometimes just being there can give you this rush that you can't explain. It's a wonderful place to go. But then you have to come home. . .
:)

Let me Take You Down Cause, I'm Going to Strawberry Fields

This blog is thought provoking. Prepared to be shocked since it's coming from me.

I have often pondered this phenomeon that America has forced upon myself and other naive consumers throughout the nation.

Today I was on a Wal*Mart adventure with Claire because I needed to pick up a few things (which, of course because I did not make a list, turned into a lot of things). As I was perusing the Grocery section we stumbled upon the frozen foods, which of course in the exotic language of girl-anese translates into only one thing: ICE CREAM! I honestly do not remember the last time I bought it at the store so I couldn't pass up a date with my two favorite boys- Ben and Jerry.

I opened the freezer door and was astounded by the variety of flavors. How was I suppose to choose just one? And if you know me I'm EXTREMELY indecisive, so this was going to be a challenge. Would it be Marsha, Marsha Marshmallow? Nope, out of stock. Cherry Garcia or Phish Food? Nah, not tonight. It was suddenly becoming more and more apparent the longer I stood there with the smoky freezer fog escaping through the doors of the giant illuminated refrigerator that I was in quite a pickle. How many minutes would I stand there looking like a fool? Would I choose Cake Batter or Mint Chocolate Chip? Half Baked or Chunky Monkey?

As I finally grabbed a pint of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, I wondered why Ben and Jerry had to make it so complicated? Why so many choices? I don't need that many choices. This hasn't been the first time I've encountered this problem. Buying toothpaste is a huge issue. That aisle is enormous! Not only are there so many different brands, but you have to decide between whitening, cavity protection, breath freshening, Dora the Explorer, or Disney. It's insane!

It's hard to be an indecisive American. Sometimes, I wish I didn't have so many options.

In other news, I bought a really cool water bottle. :)

Church tomorrow. Waldron Memorial Baptist, here I come!

once upon a time there was a girl who fell in love. . .
the end

Now the Lesson's Learned, I Touched and I Was Burned

I was supposed to go out on a date today. . . and I didn't go. Who the fuck was I kidding? I feel horrible for essentially leading this poor guy on- but I'm not ready. I should be. I wanna be. But I'm not. But I should get points for trying right? Maybe?

My parents have put their foot down on the possibility of me getting a dog. And I'm devastated. I've never lived in a home aside from the dorms where I didn't have a puppy. Yes, it may seem silly to you to get upset over not having a dog. . . and I don't expect anyone to understand. A puppy will love you unconditionally. They won't leave you because they need to get their life together or aren't sure of what they want. They need you just as much as you need them. . . and I'm getting this vibe that I'm not talking about a dog anymore, so we're gonna stop right there.

Apparently my mantra of Trust No One has remained true. Even the people you think are your closest friends can let you down.

I say this a lot but I truly am really blessed. There are points in the day where I think about the wonderful things that God has given me and I wonder why I'm still unhappy. I have a great apartment, a nice job (which I just got a raise at!), a wonderful car, pretty good friends, etc.

I'm going to church sunday. . . Maybe God's trying to tell me something. Keep praying for me.

You Said There's Tons of Fish in the Water, So the Waters I Will Test

I'm sitting in the living room of my dorm, surrounded by boxes and tubs full of all of my stuff that I've accumulated over the past two years. Tyra's on and Megan is sitting on the floor making a collage.

I signed the lease on my new apartment. I am so content :)
As soon as I sign my checkout form for RiverPark Student Housing I think I will be at complete peace.
When Chase and I walked into our new home I literally was jumping up and down because I was so freaking happy. . .

I haven't felt like that in a long time. It's almost as if I'd forgotten what it's really like to be happy.

My mom's bringing some of my furniture down tomorrow.
Um. . .
I miss you. . . a lot.

My apartment has a pool :) Yay for tanning and swimming!

Life's pretty great for the most part. . . trying not to complain.

And on and on I rummage through my vault of used up sayings. . . but really what's the point if we're just coasting on the surface?

The semester from hell is over. This week has been the most miserable and horrible week of my life. I don't drink and all I've wanted to do is get shitfaced. I dont wanna feel anything. Work is kind of the only thing really holding me together now that Tour is over. Finals suck ass. . .
I did not realize how many tears the human body can produce.

I passed my jury. I went in and did my monologues and then Brenda and Becky asked me how my semester went. And I broke down and cried because it was so hellacious.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm walking around like a zombie.

I'm scared.

I'm going to Henry County tomorrow. I hate having to pretend like nothing's wrong. . . like I'm really ok, when I'm not. I hate having to lie to my mom so she won't be on my case about this whole thing. I hate not being understood.

I thank God that I got what I wanted. . . I just wish it would have lasted a little bit longer than it did.

If you're reading this please keep me in your prayers.

Totally F*cked

I just don't know anymore. Like I really don't know.

Once Upon a Time in a Far Away Kingdom, Man Made Up a Story Said That I Should Believe Him

ONCE ON THIS ISLAND IS OVER!!! Thank God :) I'm not gonna lie, I will miss the people I worked with but I will NOT miss rehearsals and stress. I almost cried when I left the theatre Monday because I was so relieved.

But the madness will not stop. The worst is over but there's still more to go. I will have Dance Extravaganza rehearsals until we perform next Thursday. I still have to work in between all of this. I have a research paper that I need to do well on. I have two hard core history exams that I have to ace. And then there's my prompt book that needs to be finished. Plus a crap ton of checkouts that I have scheduled until the day I actually checkout. Also there's still duty nights and the Spring Fling. I'm supposed to go see Beauty and the Beast this weekend because it's a lot of my friends' last show in high school, but I don't know how I'm gonna make it up there. Sunday is our last day for Alexander. It's bittersweet. I'm glad I don't have any more early calls, but this cast has really bonded. I love every single one of those people with every fiber of my being. And I really hope that our friendships don't stop here.

And then May 11th we move into our apartment! HOORAY! I'm super excited and I can't wait to be in my own space. I really need to start packing but who has the time???

I'm scared. Of next week. Of the next week. Of the summer. Of next semester. Of life.

I'm trying to swallow the fact that I probably won't be able to see Micah this weekend. I have so much to do down here :( But I miss him soooo much. Grrrrrr. . . .

I don't know if I'm even going to get to do my freestage because everyone and their mother's brother is doing a musical revue. Even though mine will be different because it's a cabaret, it's still held in that category. *Rolls eyes* Not fair.

But life isn't fair.

I'm tired of bitching

That's all I fucking do anymore.

And I Feel Like I Can Fly When I Stand Next to You

I'm supposed to be finishing up a research paper right now. . . but I'm so easily distracted :) I haven't blogged in a while so I thought NOW would be a PERFECT time to update hahahahaha.
Food Network is on which is probably a mistake on my part. I haven't watched it in a REALLY long time and they're doing a cake challenge and of course, those are my favorite. *Sigh* I want to go to culinary school. There are times where I wonder why I'm at CSU and want to stop and just go cook and bake stuff. I feel like I wouldn't be good enough and would have wasted a lot of time here. Don't worry I'm not dropping out of school or changing my major because I want to teach theatre more than anything. But there are times where I want to take a break from it all and do something else that I love for a minute. There are so many things that I want to do while I'm still young. I'm realizing that I'm not nearly as good at this whole college thing than I thought I was. I can't handle this much stress at once. Once On This Island goes up tomorrow so I'm super stoked about it being over. It's been a learning experience and I'm grateful for the relationships I've made, but I am not stage manager material. It takes a truly gifted person to do all that. . . and that's not me.

I miss home. I miss my parents and even my stupid little brother. I miss my dogs. I miss my Micah. :(

Things with him are great by the way. We went and saw Chitty Chitty Bang Bang last Thursday. Even though it should have been titled Shitty Shitty Bang Bang, it was still a lot of fun ;) Ok I shouldn't be so critical. It was a beautiful show technically. Impeccable lighting design and phenomenal set. And the car actually flew. . . that was pretty balling. But the acting. . . a little lackluster to be honest. The show wasn't very well written either. I guess I set my standards too high since the movie was soooo amazing. But none of that really mattered because I was with my most favoritest person in the whole wide world :) *Sigh* I love him so much. I love the way his arms feel when he holds me. I love that I can talk to him for hours and not get bored. I love the way he smells. I love that my life ends as I know it every time he kisses me. I love how he's always there for me and for some strange reason puts up with my whining and bitching and complaining. He's so awesome. But what I love most of all. . . he loves me too. :) Yay!

And I should finish that paper. . . almost done! I don't think any of my thoughts are very coherent at this point because I'm so tired. I feel like I'll realize this when I read my paper and this post tomorrow lol. :)

All My Loving I Will Send to You

Tornados suck.

My boyfriend is freaking awesome and came to see me Sunday. Best day ever :)

I get to see him AGAIN on Thursday. Hooray!

One more week of Once on This Island!

Theatre classes were cancelled but main campus ones weren't because of the Torando.... complete and utter ridiculousness.

The school year's almost over!

Dance Extravaganza will be awesome (if I can make it to a freaking rehearasal.)

I really need to turn in my proposal for my freestage!

I'll be Thinking of Home, and I'll Think of You Every Night at the Same Time, When the Sun Goes Down. .

Once On This Island opens in less than two weeks :) PRAISE GOD! I am almost done with Stage Management for good. It's definitely been a learning experience to say the least, but I have never been so miserable in the past two months than I have been in my entire life.

I make it sound like my life is awful. . . it's not.
I have a lot to be thankful for. And sometimes I wish I could remind myself of that. It's a thought that I keep pushed in the back of my mind but it really needs to be brought out more.

I feel like I have this thought every time I blog. . .

Dance Extravaganza is May 7th and I'm really excited. I didn't realize how much I miss spinning. Next semester I really need to block in time to do it because it's such a release for me. Just throwing flags and sabres up in the air at ridiculously high altitudes is. . . awesome :)

I got all my classes, and next semester I will hopefully be directing a free stage. It will be a cabaret show essentially with Emcees and the works. I'm stoked and hope it all goes according to plan.

And then there's my boyfriend. . . *sigh.* It's so hard knowing that someone can be so indifferent when you care so much. I have never been so sure of something in a long time. But it's not up to me. Relationships can't be one-sided. This isn't even about me anymore. . . honestly, it never really has been. I want so much for him and want him to be content. I just want to make him happy. And I can't. I know I can't but that doesn't change how desperately I want to. I feel. . . helpless. I'm looking up and sometimes it's as if no one's there. . . which I know is not the case. God works in mysterious ways. Ahh the things you do for love. :)

Sure as a Wave Needs to be Near the Shore. . .

. . .You are the One I Was Intended For. . .

I register for classes on Friday. :) I'm pretty stoked because I have priority registration for being in a show. HOORAY! But my schedule is near perfect. I'll hopefully only have one class on Monday's and Wednesday's plus a little bit of Theatre Practice. No biggie. Plus two online education classes which should be cake from what I understand. I'm really stoked about Directing I. . . and Children's Theatre with the amazing Brenda. It's gonna be a great semester. I also blocked in time to go to work so I can pay rent on my apartment! Yep, Hillcrest is ours! Chase and I will move in at the end of the month and I cannot even express how excited I am. I'll miss the dorms but I will not miss the drama. I decided not to audition for the season because I need a break from this crazy life that I've been living. Who knows? Maybe I'll direct or audition for a freestage or something. . .

My mom just texted me and told me my ticket has been taken care of. Praise the Lord! One less thing I have to worry about. I get paid tomorrow but all of that money is going straight back to mom since she had to spot me till I got my paycheck. Then I have to wait two more weeks to buy groceries and finish making payments on the apartment *rolls eyes.* Ugh how stressful!

I get to see Micah in a little over a week! God, I miss him. I cannot wait! :)

I'll Love You Till the End

I found what will hopefully be my apartment in a month today. The apartments at Hillcrest are absolute perfection. They come with a washer and dryer for crying out loud! I just want to have everything squared away and have it waiting on me until the day I officially move out of here.

Auditions are next week. . . WTF?!?!? I'm so unprepared. I'm still debating on whether or not I will. This semester has just thrown me for a loop and I kind of just want a break. I wish everyone wasn't so stressed out.


Tomorrow I'm going home for Tour. . . and I get to see Micah :) YAY! And I'm also seeing Happy Days the Musical with my mom. . . which will be interesting to say the least. Ok don't judge me the tickets came in our season ticket holder package. We just bought it so we could see A Chorus Line and Wicked. But it'll be fun performing at my mom's school. Plus we get free food. . . and I get to see my puppies!



But I'm not gonna lie. . . I'm really more excited about seeing my super hot boyfriend hehehehe :) I'm such a lucky girl. Micah is absolutely amazing. I'm suprised by how much I've managed to see him lately. Even though in retrospect it feels like it hasn't been a lot. . . it really has. I miss him every second of every day :( *Sigh* Woo-hoo to long distance relationships! It's not really long distance though because he's just in Henry County. It's only a little less than two hours- plus it's home, ya know? But I still miss him like crazy. I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him :)



It's a comfort to know that I'm doing exactly what God's intending for me. Yes, I'm stressed out and yes, I hate my life most days (besides the fact that I have the most amazing boyfriend ever), but I'm doing my best to work through it. I'm tired of being miserable and I honestly wish I could just be content with everything I have in my life, because honestly I'm incredibly blessed. Despite the stress, and the worry, and fears.

Plus the nightmares are back *Rolls Eyes*

But God's gonna get me through it. . . one minute at a time.

Kiss Me Too Fiercely, Hold Me Too Tight, I Need Help Believing You're With Me Tonight

The past few weeks have been really bittersweet (and yet very surreal). . . but let's talk about the sweet stuff shall we?
Other than the fact that I've had SEVERAL nervous breakdowns, I feel that life is mostly on the up and up. . . maybe it's because I finally got what I wanted.

For almost two years I've been head over heels for my best friend. He's been my rock and although our friendship is amazing, I always thought it would be even more amazing if we took things to the next level. We talked about it SEVERAL times, and he always shot me down for a plethora of reasons. Our friendship only got stronger. . . which of course made me like him even more :) The past few months have made me realize how much I care about him and really want to be with him. After an awful weekend of me bitching to him about how guys are pigs, I brought it up again. And after a full blown explanation of why I was so persistent and how much I really cared about him, I think it clicked for him. He told me he was going to think about it (which is much more progress than I had ever made), and then by Saturday he told me he wanted to give us a shot. :) YAY! So now we're dating. And I couldn't be happier. I have waited a LONG time for this and although we're taking it really slow, I feel like I'm closer to him than I have been with any other person that I've dated. Maybe it's because we we're already really close as friends to begin with. But this is exactly what I want and what I've been waiting for. And all though the stresses of life are really eating me up, he's right there with me helping me get through it day by day.

I love him :)

And So the Lion Fell in Love With the Lamb. . . What a Stupid Lamb

Overwhelmed.
Yep that's a good way to start this post.

I can honestly say that this semester has been the most stressful one of my life. I have never wanted to break down and cry so much as I have this year. 2009 sucks balls. I'm really blessed don't get me wrong. I've had a ton of wonderful opportunities presented to me. But I'm just stressed out and unhappy. . . there are only a few things that honestly give me complete joy at this point:

1.The thought of my new apartment.

2.The thought of my future puppy Esme or Alice. . . I'm still debating on the name.

3.My friends whom I cherish so much. . . especially Micah who is a God-send and I love with every fiber of my being. . . no seriously without him I'd probably be a nutcase. :)

4.My family. They are so paitent with my schedule even though it kills them that I can't come home and see them as much as I'd like or even call them for that matter.

5.Tour. . . surprisingly, it really makes me smile when we clearly touch a child's heart and mind. For some of them this is the only theatre they will ever experience so I feel like this is something that's really important. Early calls suck though.

6.Coke.

Work is going really well. Things aren't awkward at all which is wonderful. Although I hate having so many hours taken away from my day when I could be doing other things, I really enjoy the people I work with. Plus getting paid rocks.

I'm paying off my speeding ticket next week. *Sigh*

And Saturday I'm going home. If I stay in Columbus much longer I will more than likely rip all of my hair out. Twilight also comes out this weekend! YAY!

Once On This Island is going well. . . I hate stage managing though. I'm just not good at it but I'm learning a lot which will help when it comes time for Directing :) I've just got a lot on my plate right now. I just have to take it one day at a time.

I'm scared.
Really scared.
:(

Somebody Steal My Heart, I am Ready to be Loved

*NOTE:* The majority of this post is a rant. I realize that most of my posts are but just fair warning if you aren't in the mood to hear me bitch. . . stop reading- NOW. :)

To begin with I had a pretty long day at work. My legs were sore for some reason so that made me irritable. And then once I got off I got a phone call from my brother saying that my speeding ticket never got taken care of and therefore I will now have to pay it. So let's just say I was in a really bitter mood already.

I decided since I was so irritated the best thing to do would be to go get some food and then head over to Barnes and Noble to get a new play for auditions. . . and maybe some ice cream from Marble Slab. After all, I thought I deserved it. :)

I went to Hibachi Express and was sadly dismayed that it was nothing like my beloved Panda Express that I loved and adored back home. Highly dissapointing. I did my devotional there (which I must say, doing my quiet times has really helped a lot and I'm proud of myself for picking them up again.) After a good talk with God, I drove over to the strip mall and decided to go into Life Way because I hadn't been in lightyears. I found a really awesome book that was only 5 bucks about the secrets that women keep and how that affects are walk with God. It looks like an amazing read.

Anyway I headed to the door and decided since it was such a wonderful day outside, I should totally walk to Barnes and Noble because it really isn't far at all.

Bad idea.

I started walking and a guy in black truck is driving up to me. He literally slows down to a snails pace and leans out his window and stares at me. I glance at him and he whistles at me and does that obnoxious nodding thing that guys do. I rolled my eyes and kept walking. Not even 3 minutes later a truck full of guys drives up with their stupid country music blasting and their windows down and yell and scream at me for to hop in with them. I literally stopped and looked at them like the dumb pieces of shit they were and walked into my safe haven. I was so furious. Why was I all of a sudden being treated like this piece of meat?! I found a Neil Labute that I had been wanting to peruse and headed to check out. I paid and walked out. No sooner had I started walking towards Marble Slab, yet ANOTHER car with two guys in it slowed down and whistled at me! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

May I add that I was in my High School Drama Club T-Shirt and blue jeans? Nothing even remotely sexy. I mean really?!

Why is that for some reason, lately it seems as if I have this big sign over my head saying "Hey I'm a slut, please try to get in my pants!" I'm not like that at all. I mean I'm totally used to guys looking at my chest instead of my eyes when I'm talking to them, but I'm not a whore and I'm not a piece of ass either. Most guys only see my assets instead of the actual me. Sometimes I wonder if the guys that are interested in my even look at my face at all. Like do you even think I'm kind of pretty?

I just wish people would take the time to get to know me. I can be funny, and smart, and charming and all those things that guys want girls to be. I want to be that girl. You know the one I'm talking about. I want to be the one that walks into a room and everyone looks at her, not because she's got nice tits or a huge ass. . . because she's beautiful and can light up a room with just her smile. The one who always says the funniest things and never stutters when she gets nervous. The one who's never afraid. The one that guys look at and say "Wow, she's got it all together." She's always first choice.

I want to be her. I don't want to be second fiddle anymore. I want to be first pick. I think I would even be satisified if knowing that ONE guy wanted to date me over any other girl. I know this is so self-absorbed of me and selfish to even post this (and it's something that I'm struggling with in my walk with God), but damnit when's it gonna be my turn? Yes, I know that I go on a lot of dates and talk to a lot of guys but what am I to them? A space filler? A good time? Rebound? I can't remember the last time I dated someone where I felt like they actually liked me for who I am.

I apologize for the rant.

In other news. . .
*I have the bestest friend in the whole wide world and everyone should be jealous :) And I miss him more and more everyday :(

*I am officially a Twilight nerd. I've seen the movie and bought a Team Edward shirt. . . and I'm failing myself right now.

*Robert Pattinson. I would like him for my birthday. I'm giving you all fair notice because I know it maybe hard to convince him to surrender himself over to me. . . you have till July. Kthanks :)

*Abercrombie 8 is my new heroine.

*Fruit Loops are kind of awkward when you think about them. . . they're all different colors but all of them taste the same. Weird.

*Apartment hunting is stressful.

*I hmmmmm someone. A lot. :( But they don't hmmmm me. And that's ok. . .

*I have great friends.

"Jamie is a female version of a hustla" ;)

This Has Been a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Weekend :(

I am a firm believer in the concept of bad things happen in threes. And three really shitty things happened this weekend. Let's start in chronological order (which also happens to be order of importance as well.)
1. I will not be an RA next year.
*Friday I was emailed that I was not selected for the team next year. At first I was beyond furious. But now I realize I can work and do shows and not worry about duty nights, events, bulletin boards, and late night calls. It'll be less stress. I called my mom and told her the news and informed me that we can't afford to keep me in housing if there is a required meal plan and if my housing is no longer free. :( It's unfortunate because I really love RiverPark, but my financial situation just sucks right now. At least I can have a puppy now :)
2. I refuse to eat at McDonalds EVER again.
*Friday night I got so incredibly sick from a freaking happy meal. I was puking my brains out all night. And it just continued to make me feel miserable all into Saturday. It. Was. Awful.
3. I got dumped.
*Sunday I was sitting in my apartment and I got a text from Chris saying he wasn't ready for this whole relationship business. Although I am livid for being led on like this, it's reasonable. He rushed into it KNOWING he wasn't ready. I'm mad at myself for letting it happen. I had already ordered his birthday present and everything. I know he really wanted a Thrasher's jersey so I got one for him and I don't have the heart to cancel the order. I knew I was rebound and I still don't even care. But ya know what? This is my life. And I'm learning to accept that I'm never gonna stop kissing these damn frogs because they're ain't a prince out there good enough for me.

And that's ok.

The men that matter the most in my life were there to pick up the pieces of this horrendous weekend: God, Daddy, Chase, and Micah.

<3

Kiss Today Goodbye

Life is hard.
Really hard.

Why do I do this to myself? I am notorious for spreading myself too thin, taking on more than I can handle, and not asking for help. I want this semester to be over. I'm really glad spring break is here but what will I be doing? Working and homework. Story of my life. I'm trying to work it out so I can go see Danielle next weekend because we are WAY over due for a visit. I miss her lots.

A Chorus Line was PHENOMENAL! I almost cried it was so beautiful. It was incredibly inspiring. I wish I was in half the shape those dancers are in. . . they all had killer bods :) I would like one haha! Too bad Jamie never has time to go to the gym. . .

Things are going heavenly in the relationship department. Chris is an awesome guy and is amazingly patient with me. I bitch and moan a lot because I'm stressed out and he always listens no matter what. And he's not afraid to tell me about his own issues too which is great. I've never had that before. Usually I'm either only listening or only talking. It's nice to get to do both.

And now it's time for a much needed facial... and I think I'm going to get my hair did ;)

If You Liked it Then You Shoulda Put a Ring on it. . .

:)

This week has been. . . interesting to say the least. I am so blessed. Tour was wonderful, I went to homecoming, hung out with Chris, went to my first hockey game, and got a boyfriend all in one week. I am really lucky. Chris is a great guy and I hope he'll stick around for a while. . . I mean I haven't scared him off yet so we'll see.

Hockey is one of my new favorite sports. There's just something about guys ice skating and hitting around a rubber puck with sticks that is really hott. ;) The game was amazing. Thrashers brought their A-game at the end of the third period and handed the Hurricanes their asses. I hope I get to go to another one soon! I really had a blast.

I'm really hoping there isn't going to be any drama. :(

The End.

He's Got You on a Pedestal and Me in His Arms.

I think it's time for a much needed update on my life :)
So here goes. . .
I've finally realized that no matter how much I want to change someones perspective on things. . . I can't. Nothing I say is going to change their mind. And sometimes, maybe that's a good thing. Because when one door closes (and by that I mean you slam that bitch shut, lock it and throw away the key), another one conveniently opens. It's almost as if God was waiting patiently for you to close it so we could move on to the next room. And let me just tell you, the next one appears to be wonderful. . . not that the previous room wasn't mind you. In fact I love that room, more than it'll ever know. . . but I wasn't welcome. And that's ok.

I love cryptic analogies and metaphors :)

Last week I got my very first speeding ticket. . . worst day of my life. But luckily my brother is a cop and somehow finagled it to where it doesn't exist anymore. HOORAY!

School is going. . . very very slowly. Classes are ok. Tour is wonderful but these early calls are KILLING me. I haven't really slept well in the past week. . . excluding last night.

I decided not to apply for the job in New Jersey. I'm writing a new play that I will be directing this summer so I can stay home and be a work-a-holic like I did last summer. Next year I'm definitely doing an internship. I really need to do one before I graduate.

Everyone keeps mentioning their spring break plans, which makes me realize that it's in two weeks. And what am I doing? Nothing. Go figure. Just like I normally do. I wish I could just up and go to NYC. I really need a vacation.

Two of my AM classes are cancelled on Friday so I'm stoked about catching up on sleep. Especially since today and Thursday are going to be brutal. Tonight I'm closing so I'll get home around 11 but I won't actually go to sleep until probably 12 or 1. . . and then I have to be up at 4:30 for tour. Two shows and then off to work again. Kill my soul haha!

I guess I should save the best news for last. Um. . . well I'm kinda talking to someone new. I know, I know, this is just the same old song and dance: Jamie meets a guy that she likes, they talk for a week or two and then he's gone for one of several reasons. One: He's a stalker. Two: He can't handle my life. Three: He's not that into me. Four: I'm not good enough. Or Five: I'm not that into him. 1-3 are usually the cases. 4 happens frequently. And five happens once in a blue moon.

I don't wanna be cliche and say "But this one's different," I mean hell I don't know if it really is all that different. But it's very promising. I like him a lot. In retrospect of the situation, and from the outside looking in, it would appear as if I'm rebound. And maybe I am. I have been assured that I'm not, but I don't seem to mind playing second fiddle. I'm used to it. . . The situation reminds me of that movie My Best Friend's Wedding. I'm Kimmy essentially. I've pretty much got the guy, but somehow there's this lurking presence that I can't shake. If this relationship continues (which I really hope it will), maybe it will go away with time. But until then it's sort of stressing me out. I don't feel desired or wanted. I feel. . . convenient. It's almost as if I'm just the transition to keep his mind off of the break up. But whatever makes him happy I guess.

Just FYI:
At the end of the movie Kimmy gets the guy ;)

Hehehehehe!

Time After Time, I Find That I'm Struggling To Tell You What's Burning Inside

So I'm really worried about a lot of things right now. It always seems like as soon as I get out of one really stressful situation, something else pops up immediately after. The latest stress? A mandatory meal plan that I can't afford. I won't discuss it anymore because I get really worked up just thinking about it. I just have to remind myself that God will provide and he doesn't give me anything I can't handle.

I'm scared for my sake that we're getting too close. I consider you my best friend and I wish you understood where I'm coming from.

In other news, I'm applying for a job in New Jersey. . . it's a wonderful opportunity. I should know something within the next week or so if I get a call back. Oh stress. Also I'm stage managing the show I wanted for class, which is a relief. India and I have started a new Friday ritual: Facials after class accompanied with Starbucks. . . Yummy!

Don't Go Wasting Your Emotions

I hardly ever have any regrets. I believe you learn something from every encounter you have. My latest one made me realize that your closest friends should ALWAYS come before potential love interests. But in the end sometimes they can make you that much closer.

In other news one of my friends from back home passed away today. :(
I'm going home this weekend for like a half day because I'm on duty, but I need to be home for a little bit. I need an escape.

And although Edward Cullen is a fictional character. . . I love him. HAHAHA :) Yay for Twilight!

I Just Needed You To Pick Me Up- Like You Did When We Were Younger. . .

"You'd think in my dreams, I'd see you in my future. . . you'd think in my nightmares I'm living life without you. You would think, you would guess. . . but I can't sleep. So you'd be wrong. . ."

We had a fight. We haven't spoken in weeks. I feel no need to speak with him. And this truly saddens me, because I feel nothing. He's changed, he's not the best friend I used to love and adore and trust. It amazes me how much a relationship with someone can change in the course of a year. I'm hoping one day he will grow up and stop acting like a child and learn to accept and support the decisions I make.

GRASS was really fun. Claire and I finally have a TV and DVD player! HOORAY :)

No Day But Today!

This week has been surprisingly great. The show went very well (I'm glad the stress is over though!) I had a blast hanging with Nicole and Micah. I miss them dearly. I loved seeing Jon again but he had to jet after the show sadly. Oh well, I'm SURE he'll be back :)

I've come to terms with a lot of things in the past few months. I've learned so much about myself and sometimes I never cease to amaze me ha ha. I never thought that I would be able to deal with some past events that have happened. With some heavy praying and the help from amazing friends, I have gotten to a point where I can now discuss it with a few of my close friends. Yes it's still upsetting and yes I still struggle with it, but if you had asked me last year if I had ever dealt with something like this, I would have lied to you. I don't want to draw attention to myself, nor do I need your pity. I must credit the amazing Becky Becker and her phenomenal playwriting class for giving me the opportunity to go through a personal therapeutic process. I feel stronger for coming out on top.

In other news tour is going very well. I'm so blessed to be in such a wonderful cast with an amazing tour manager. Work is getting better, slowly but surely. And RA interviews will be coming up very soon. School is alright I guess.

I miss you. And I wish you knew how much.

Here I Go, and There's No Turning Back. My Great Adventure Has Begun! I May Be Small But I've Got Giant Plans. . . I'll Be Astonishing

Final dress rehearsal is tonight. . . and I'm scared shitless. We open tomorrow. My heart's been racing all day. You would think being a theatre major and all that this wouldn't bother me. But now I'll be under the scope of judgement from all of my peers and professors. . . and tonight is our first performance with a small audience.


God, give us grace to accept with serenitythe things that cannot be changed,Courage to change the thingswhich should be changed,and the Wisdom to distinguishthe one from the other.
Living one day at a time,Enjoying one moment at a time,Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,Taking, as Jesus did,This sinful world as it is,Not as I would have it,Trusting that You will make all things right,If I surrender to Your will,So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

Trust Me Dear, You're Better Off This Way

Although we've only been in the new year for 12 days, a lot of crap has happened. Me and one of my best guy friends got into an epic fight. I came back to school and officially started classes today. My show opens this week and I'm really nervous but I'm excited at the same time. My older brother, who has been absent most of my adolescent and adult life is bringing his flavor of the week to the show on Thursday. One of my guy friends from high school that I don't really get to hang out with anymore will be there Friday. My family will be there Saturday for the Matinee and Micah and hopefully Nicole will be there Saturday night. And the ACTF respondent will be there Sunday. I'm really nervous about Sunday. I'm just nervous period but REALLY nervous about Sunday. I know the chances of getting a nomination are slim to none but it's a lovely thing to think about. I mean there's two that are nominated so my odds are 2 out of 7 right? Alas, why fret over things I can't control? But I'm excited about things to come. . . Classes went well today. And aside from the fact that I'm broke as hell life is pretty ok :)

Dear Asshole,

I hate that you have so still have so much control over my life and don't even realize it. I never talk to you and yet to this day you are influencing my decisions . And I hate it. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of having to be so guarded because I'm scared to get hurt. I'm sick of waking up in the middle of the night from the nightmares that you have given me from the past. I don't want to come home from dates with other guys crying because I'm terrified that they are going to do what you did to me. I keep searching for faults in all of these guys. . . and I realized that if I search for them then I'm going to find them, no matter what. No one is perfect. I'm just tired of being scared. And I'm tired of getting hurt.

And you know what sucks the most? You have no idea what you've done to me. You think you're innocent and haven't done anything wrong. I HATE YOU!




And yet I still love you. . .