I Just Needed You To Pick Me Up- Like You Did When We Were Younger. . .

"You'd think in my dreams, I'd see you in my future. . . you'd think in my nightmares I'm living life without you. You would think, you would guess. . . but I can't sleep. So you'd be wrong. . ."

We had a fight. We haven't spoken in weeks. I feel no need to speak with him. And this truly saddens me, because I feel nothing. He's changed, he's not the best friend I used to love and adore and trust. It amazes me how much a relationship with someone can change in the course of a year. I'm hoping one day he will grow up and stop acting like a child and learn to accept and support the decisions I make.

GRASS was really fun. Claire and I finally have a TV and DVD player! HOORAY :)

No Day But Today!

This week has been surprisingly great. The show went very well (I'm glad the stress is over though!) I had a blast hanging with Nicole and Micah. I miss them dearly. I loved seeing Jon again but he had to jet after the show sadly. Oh well, I'm SURE he'll be back :)

I've come to terms with a lot of things in the past few months. I've learned so much about myself and sometimes I never cease to amaze me ha ha. I never thought that I would be able to deal with some past events that have happened. With some heavy praying and the help from amazing friends, I have gotten to a point where I can now discuss it with a few of my close friends. Yes it's still upsetting and yes I still struggle with it, but if you had asked me last year if I had ever dealt with something like this, I would have lied to you. I don't want to draw attention to myself, nor do I need your pity. I must credit the amazing Becky Becker and her phenomenal playwriting class for giving me the opportunity to go through a personal therapeutic process. I feel stronger for coming out on top.

In other news tour is going very well. I'm so blessed to be in such a wonderful cast with an amazing tour manager. Work is getting better, slowly but surely. And RA interviews will be coming up very soon. School is alright I guess.

I miss you. And I wish you knew how much.

Here I Go, and There's No Turning Back. My Great Adventure Has Begun! I May Be Small But I've Got Giant Plans. . . I'll Be Astonishing

Final dress rehearsal is tonight. . . and I'm scared shitless. We open tomorrow. My heart's been racing all day. You would think being a theatre major and all that this wouldn't bother me. But now I'll be under the scope of judgement from all of my peers and professors. . . and tonight is our first performance with a small audience.


God, give us grace to accept with serenitythe things that cannot be changed,Courage to change the thingswhich should be changed,and the Wisdom to distinguishthe one from the other.
Living one day at a time,Enjoying one moment at a time,Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,Taking, as Jesus did,This sinful world as it is,Not as I would have it,Trusting that You will make all things right,If I surrender to Your will,So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.

Trust Me Dear, You're Better Off This Way

Although we've only been in the new year for 12 days, a lot of crap has happened. Me and one of my best guy friends got into an epic fight. I came back to school and officially started classes today. My show opens this week and I'm really nervous but I'm excited at the same time. My older brother, who has been absent most of my adolescent and adult life is bringing his flavor of the week to the show on Thursday. One of my guy friends from high school that I don't really get to hang out with anymore will be there Friday. My family will be there Saturday for the Matinee and Micah and hopefully Nicole will be there Saturday night. And the ACTF respondent will be there Sunday. I'm really nervous about Sunday. I'm just nervous period but REALLY nervous about Sunday. I know the chances of getting a nomination are slim to none but it's a lovely thing to think about. I mean there's two that are nominated so my odds are 2 out of 7 right? Alas, why fret over things I can't control? But I'm excited about things to come. . . Classes went well today. And aside from the fact that I'm broke as hell life is pretty ok :)

Dear Asshole,

I hate that you have so still have so much control over my life and don't even realize it. I never talk to you and yet to this day you are influencing my decisions . And I hate it. I'm sick of hurting. I'm sick of having to be so guarded because I'm scared to get hurt. I'm sick of waking up in the middle of the night from the nightmares that you have given me from the past. I don't want to come home from dates with other guys crying because I'm terrified that they are going to do what you did to me. I keep searching for faults in all of these guys. . . and I realized that if I search for them then I'm going to find them, no matter what. No one is perfect. I'm just tired of being scared. And I'm tired of getting hurt.

And you know what sucks the most? You have no idea what you've done to me. You think you're innocent and haven't done anything wrong. I HATE YOU!




And yet I still love you. . .