Cause You Know, I Don't Do Sadness Not Even a Little Bit, Just Don't Need it in My Life, Don't Want Any Part of it. . .

Despite the icky grossness that is occupying the air outside, today has been a pretty sweet day. Kim let us have a field trip in theatre practice. Yum Dunkin Donuts coffee :) And now I'm fixing to take a Stage Make-Up test on cuts and bruises. The class is super fun and I'm learning a lot. Work last night was horrendous and I'm hoping today will be better.

Tomorrow I'm going on a date with someone new. I'm excited about it but at the same time I'm just hoping that he's not in it for long term or anything. Boys are my favorite waste of time. He seems like he'll be fun to have around for a spell.

But I'm super stoked about going home this weekend. I miss my puppy. And my parents. And a certain someone that I'm not even planning on mentioning to him that I'm gonna be in town. I don't think he'll care. And even if he did, we won't hang out. By the way I haven't heard from him in over a week, because I'm being a big girl and waiting on him to text me. I think I'm realizing that he's not going to. . .

But that's ok. I love him anyway. Pathetic, I know. It's not that serious. :) But I'm hanging in there and enjoying the autumnal pleasures that October is bringing. Life is wonderful :)

Can't wait for Halloween. I'm thinking of doing another Wizard of Oz character. . . maybe a sexy Dorothy or Galinda?

It's Chill in the Wind But it's Warm in Your Arms. . . We've All Got Our Junk, and My Junk is You.

The weather today is GORGEOUS! I love the fall. It reminds me of so many things. . . mainly high school related and early college years. Like to me the soundtrack for fall is Spring Awakening. I love driving home in the morning hours with the windows down and the radio blasting My Junk and Don't Do Sadness. Football, Colorguard, Pretty sunny days with a cool breeze and light sweaters, the leaves changing, Halloween, going home, Thanksgiving. . . I just love it. It also reminds me of happy times relationship wise. October is such a romantic month. Well, I guess since I haven't been updating much I should probably recount my actions for the past few weeks.

I've been as busy as ever doing crew things for Streetcar and Tortuga. I've also been working up a storm. My first directing analysis nearly killed me. I know I did horribly because I waited so long to start it. My next one will be amazing. Luckily my scene goes up Thursday and it's going to be wonderful. My actors are really great and have done a fantastic job.

As for my romantic affairs. . . basically I've decided I need to hand out pamphlets to all boys who are seeking anything with me. In it, it shall plainly state that I am a horrible, selfish, girl who has a lot of baggage and is already in love with a man that you could never even dream of competing with. So please don't start falling for me because I still have a lot of growing up I need to do. I'm so tired of leading all of these guys on. I know what I want. And I know I can't have it. That doesn't change the fact that I want to try still. Isn't that stupid? I mean good God it's been almost 6 months. Shouldn't I be over it by now?

Kenny and Sarah on CosmoRadio did a special about breakups. I need to find out when the replay is and have a listen.

I think I'm horribly selfish because even though I'm more than aware of my faults, I still want that companionship. I still want someone to love me, even though I really don't have anything left to give in return. How awful am I?

I hate that I hurt him. . . and I hate that I'm not making it any easier. I just hate myself for all this garbage.

Damnit. . . one day I'll be over it. But today is not the day. And until I stop talking the talk and start walking the walk. . . I'm probably just going to find a new victim to take on.

Please pray for me that I'll kill off my selfish desires and think about the other people I'm hurting. I think deep down I want someone to feel just as badly as I do.

This is real, this is ME! by JamieLynn07 featuring Old Navy

And On Paper We're Great and Our Stars are Alligned and it Looks Like it Was All Meant to be, But Night After Night I Keep Shutting My Eyes. . .

School is finally in full swing and I'm loving it. It's hard working and going to school but there is nothing else I would rather be doing. Less stress and less mess than previous semesters. This weekend was pretty great and sucky at the same time. But everything has its highs and lows right? We went and saw Final Destination (which is terrible by the way, save yourself some money and don't see it.) and Halloween 2 which was phenomenal! Saturday I had to work and afterwards I headed over to see my most favoritest person India at the Cantina. Then we got Starbucks and headed to the mall for some bonding time. I then found out that one of my dear friends Scott, may not be doing so well. So please keep him in your prayers. Scott, be brave and you're gonna be fine :) And then I got food poisoning. . . EVIL CANTINA! I was really bad off. Throwing up and lower back pain. Luckily, Chris came to my rescue and brought me medicine :) I got a lot of sleep and felt better today. Then I was faced with the reality of homework. . . sad day.

I see and hear things about you and it makes me freak out irrationally. Why should I still care? I'm really confused about a lot of things. I kind of feel like Allie in the Notebook. . . it's not that simple. No matter what I do someone's going to get hurt. But it shouldn't be about other people. I need to stop worrying about hurting other people and worry about what I want. What do I want?

I wish I knew.

Luckily, Victoria's Secret get's me through the tough times ;)

And I miss Megan Waite Steinberg more than life itself. MEGAN GET YOUR ASS TO COLUMBUS OR TELL ME WHEN I CAN SEE YOU!

It Starts Like This the Fourth, the Fifth, the Minor Fall, and the Major Lift and the Baffled King Composing Hallelujah

I haven't updated in a while and have quite a few things to catch up on. Let's go over the highlights shall we? Last month was my birthday. I turned the big 20 *whimpers* and all in all my actual birthday was really low key. Two days before I went White-Water Rafting with my church and had a BLAST. I freaking love rafting and wish I had the opportunity to do it more. My goal is to eventually complete the Olympic level course at Ocoee. I also want to try some other rivers since that's the only one I've ever done. But I came back and hung out with my mom the next day. We went to IKEA (which is like freakin HUGE!). The next day was my birthday. Really boring. The cake my mom ordered didn't come in because the company ran out of cookie dough for the day :( So Jamie didn't get an awesome birthday cookie cake. No worries. The next day I had a dentist appointment and went out to eat with my family before heading out to go see 42nd St with my mom. Super awesome!

And then I came back to Columbus. Back to reality. And bills. And work. Then me and some of the girls took a trip to Panama City, which was AMAZING. . . despite the minor drama setback. And now school starts in a few days. I have Convo friday which I'm kind of excited about. I miss my theatre friends and I miss school surprisingly. I'm so ready for directing. It's gonna be awesome!

I Had to Find My Way, The Day You Broke My Heart You Handed Me a Chance to Make a Brand New Start You Helped Me Find My Way

The past few days have been very enlightening. I feel that I should share my findings with all of you.

First of all for those of you who don't know my father was forced to go to the hospital on Tuesday. The day before he had gone in for a stress test and it came back abnormal. They sent him to Crawford Long for a heart catheter and I was really freaked out about it. It turns out that he's fine and just has to watch his cholesterol and take some medication for his blood pressure. No biggie but my whole family was really worried about it so thank the Lord for being amazing like always!

I went and saw Legally Blonde while I was home and thoroughly enjoyed it. Seeing the production really recharged me with feelings of girl power and reminded me that eventually you're gonna end up on top. It was a very nostalgic evening. Especially when it came for "So Much Better" it reminded me of when I got cast for the first time. The rush, the disbelief, tackling everyone in sight. It was a nice memory :) But it's a great show, maybe not the most well-executed, but really enjoyable!

The next day I went and saw Micah. And I was suprised by how easy it was. Like we just picked up where we left off. I didn't get upset after seeing him. I was totally fine. Do I miss him? Yes. Do I want things to be different? Of course. But I'm finally ok with it. I've accepted it. I realized that it's not happening at the moment (or maybe never, who knows?) And I'm compeletly alright with it. After hanging with him I went to hang with my mom at Best Buy, Target, and then Subway to get food before our movie started.

As I was perusing through the book aisle I came across a book that sort of took me by surprise. He's Just NOT That in to You. I was fully aware that it was a movie and in fact had seen it and loved it. It opened my eyes to a lot of stuff but I didn't know that it was a book first. Hmm. . . I pondered, I really should give this a read.

I picked it up (along with a really cute princess piggie bank!) and headed to see The Proposal with Mama. Great movie. Ryan Reynolds can make my babies any time he wants. He's gorgeous!

I started reading the book as soon as I got home. Very easy read. But here's the thing. If a guy is really in to me, he's gonna make it happen. He WILL ask me out. He WILL call. He won't forget about me, and girls we really don't give guys enough credit. They are just as resourceful and we are and will find a way to get in touch with us, whether he has to ask a friend, stalk Facebook, or look up and dial every name in the phone book to find you. If he wants you he'll put up the effort.

And you know what else ladies!?!? We've GOT to stop making excuses for guys! Any excuse they give you is a polite way of saying "I'm just not that in to you." We're all dating the same guy. He's super busy, just got out a serious relationship and wants to take things slow, blah blah blah. You've heard it all before. These guys are LAZY and who wants to date a lazy guy? And not only that, if YOU have to do the asking, what does that say about him? If he really wanted to date you he would ask. He's not too shy and he doesn't want to ruin your friendship.

So this is my new mantra. I'm not doing any more chasing. I'm not voluntarily giving guys my number anymore. If you want to be with me, guess what? You're gonna have to work for it. And yes I know it's gonna suck having to essentially wait around on mister right to find me. But honestly? Any guy that I have been in a relationship with where I asked him out, has ended. Guys like to chase us! It's more fun for them and gives them an ego boost.

This is going to sound cocky but I'm a good catch. And so are YOU, you foxy lady you! Women are worth more than having to make excuses for useless guys. So let's not do it anymore. If you're a chick and you're reading this GO PICK UP THAT BOOK NOW! And then go see the movie :)

And the enlightenment continues. . .
I was driving home from HCO today and was listening to my absolute favorite radio station in the world CosmoRadio on Sirius 111 and XM 162. My favorite DJ's Taylor, Victoria, and Kenny (Ok, everyone at Cosmo is my fav lol), shared some interesting statistics with me.

-86% of women are married by the time they are 40.
I'm stoked because I have 20 more years for a man to find me!
But then I recieve this piece of news. . .

-The average marrying age of American women is 25.

OH MY DEAR GOD.
I turn 20 in like two weeks.
SO in five years I'm supposed to be married or on my way to it?
Yes I understand a lot can happen in five years. . . BUT MY LORD!?!?!?!?!! I still feel really young. . . and 25 is young too!

I freaked out a little about this. I'm really upset about turning 20... I'm getting old and I don't like it!

But life is great :)
I'm deleting all of my online dating accounts. :)
And I'm thrilled about it.

Dream Within Reach, Don't Stray Beyond.

As many of you know, I don't sleep much. Or at least when I try to it's not a solid night's sleep. Stupid nightmares will wake me up or I'll just wake up for no reason. Unless I drink the night before haha. But last night was the first night in a long time where I slept soundly. And I had the most amazing dream. And it seemed so real. It was like my life was perfect. Megan and Chris were there with me hanging out in some random field while the sun was setting. And he was there. We all laughed and talked until the sun went down and gazed at the stars. He held me. And then he kissed me and life ended as I knew it, just like it always had before. And for a split moment all was right in the world. . .

And then I woke up. :( *Sigh*

I haven't really updated because nothing is really going on in my life. I'm constantly missing people. Even though I'm surrounded by a lot of people I feel alone. All the time. It's weird. I miss Megan. I miss Chris from home. I miss my puppies, Honey and Sugar. I even miss random people from high school that I hardly ever think about. And I'm pretty sure it goes without saying who I miss the most.

My fourth of July was ok. Hung out with work friends which was fun. But of course the fire department was there to monitor fireworks and such which made me a little sad. For some reason the fourth is a very romantic holiday. I don't know if it's the fact that it's summertime or the fireworks. . . or the fact that I'm usually with someone in a romantic fashion. The fireworks were beautiful and I could only think of one person that I wanted to share them with. Don't get me wrong I had fun :) I just wish. . . well, that things were different.

Work is going ok.

I'm addicted to Victoria's Secret :( I bought a new miracle bra last week which I've been wanting since September, and it's FINALLY gone on sale. From 50 bucks to 25. I was impressed with my patience. Ya gotta love sem-annual sales. My bathing suit separates were like 7 bucks each. But then I went to VS AGAIN and bought 5 pairs of really cute *PINK* undies. And then I went online and saw that the sales continue! I bought a pretty babydoll slip in light blue with matching undies. Can't wait till it comes in!

I'm going to see Legally Blonde next week!
And then I'll be home for almost a week for my birthday. And then 42nd Street!

YAY!