Somebody Steal My Heart, I am Ready to be Loved

*NOTE:* The majority of this post is a rant. I realize that most of my posts are but just fair warning if you aren't in the mood to hear me bitch. . . stop reading- NOW. :)

To begin with I had a pretty long day at work. My legs were sore for some reason so that made me irritable. And then once I got off I got a phone call from my brother saying that my speeding ticket never got taken care of and therefore I will now have to pay it. So let's just say I was in a really bitter mood already.

I decided since I was so irritated the best thing to do would be to go get some food and then head over to Barnes and Noble to get a new play for auditions. . . and maybe some ice cream from Marble Slab. After all, I thought I deserved it. :)

I went to Hibachi Express and was sadly dismayed that it was nothing like my beloved Panda Express that I loved and adored back home. Highly dissapointing. I did my devotional there (which I must say, doing my quiet times has really helped a lot and I'm proud of myself for picking them up again.) After a good talk with God, I drove over to the strip mall and decided to go into Life Way because I hadn't been in lightyears. I found a really awesome book that was only 5 bucks about the secrets that women keep and how that affects are walk with God. It looks like an amazing read.

Anyway I headed to the door and decided since it was such a wonderful day outside, I should totally walk to Barnes and Noble because it really isn't far at all.

Bad idea.

I started walking and a guy in black truck is driving up to me. He literally slows down to a snails pace and leans out his window and stares at me. I glance at him and he whistles at me and does that obnoxious nodding thing that guys do. I rolled my eyes and kept walking. Not even 3 minutes later a truck full of guys drives up with their stupid country music blasting and their windows down and yell and scream at me for to hop in with them. I literally stopped and looked at them like the dumb pieces of shit they were and walked into my safe haven. I was so furious. Why was I all of a sudden being treated like this piece of meat?! I found a Neil Labute that I had been wanting to peruse and headed to check out. I paid and walked out. No sooner had I started walking towards Marble Slab, yet ANOTHER car with two guys in it slowed down and whistled at me! WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!

May I add that I was in my High School Drama Club T-Shirt and blue jeans? Nothing even remotely sexy. I mean really?!

Why is that for some reason, lately it seems as if I have this big sign over my head saying "Hey I'm a slut, please try to get in my pants!" I'm not like that at all. I mean I'm totally used to guys looking at my chest instead of my eyes when I'm talking to them, but I'm not a whore and I'm not a piece of ass either. Most guys only see my assets instead of the actual me. Sometimes I wonder if the guys that are interested in my even look at my face at all. Like do you even think I'm kind of pretty?

I just wish people would take the time to get to know me. I can be funny, and smart, and charming and all those things that guys want girls to be. I want to be that girl. You know the one I'm talking about. I want to be the one that walks into a room and everyone looks at her, not because she's got nice tits or a huge ass. . . because she's beautiful and can light up a room with just her smile. The one who always says the funniest things and never stutters when she gets nervous. The one who's never afraid. The one that guys look at and say "Wow, she's got it all together." She's always first choice.

I want to be her. I don't want to be second fiddle anymore. I want to be first pick. I think I would even be satisified if knowing that ONE guy wanted to date me over any other girl. I know this is so self-absorbed of me and selfish to even post this (and it's something that I'm struggling with in my walk with God), but damnit when's it gonna be my turn? Yes, I know that I go on a lot of dates and talk to a lot of guys but what am I to them? A space filler? A good time? Rebound? I can't remember the last time I dated someone where I felt like they actually liked me for who I am.

I apologize for the rant.

In other news. . .
*I have the bestest friend in the whole wide world and everyone should be jealous :) And I miss him more and more everyday :(

*I am officially a Twilight nerd. I've seen the movie and bought a Team Edward shirt. . . and I'm failing myself right now.

*Robert Pattinson. I would like him for my birthday. I'm giving you all fair notice because I know it maybe hard to convince him to surrender himself over to me. . . you have till July. Kthanks :)

*Abercrombie 8 is my new heroine.

*Fruit Loops are kind of awkward when you think about them. . . they're all different colors but all of them taste the same. Weird.

*Apartment hunting is stressful.

*I hmmmmm someone. A lot. :( But they don't hmmmm me. And that's ok. . .

*I have great friends.

"Jamie is a female version of a hustla" ;)

This Has Been a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Weekend :(

I am a firm believer in the concept of bad things happen in threes. And three really shitty things happened this weekend. Let's start in chronological order (which also happens to be order of importance as well.)
1. I will not be an RA next year.
*Friday I was emailed that I was not selected for the team next year. At first I was beyond furious. But now I realize I can work and do shows and not worry about duty nights, events, bulletin boards, and late night calls. It'll be less stress. I called my mom and told her the news and informed me that we can't afford to keep me in housing if there is a required meal plan and if my housing is no longer free. :( It's unfortunate because I really love RiverPark, but my financial situation just sucks right now. At least I can have a puppy now :)
2. I refuse to eat at McDonalds EVER again.
*Friday night I got so incredibly sick from a freaking happy meal. I was puking my brains out all night. And it just continued to make me feel miserable all into Saturday. It. Was. Awful.
3. I got dumped.
*Sunday I was sitting in my apartment and I got a text from Chris saying he wasn't ready for this whole relationship business. Although I am livid for being led on like this, it's reasonable. He rushed into it KNOWING he wasn't ready. I'm mad at myself for letting it happen. I had already ordered his birthday present and everything. I know he really wanted a Thrasher's jersey so I got one for him and I don't have the heart to cancel the order. I knew I was rebound and I still don't even care. But ya know what? This is my life. And I'm learning to accept that I'm never gonna stop kissing these damn frogs because they're ain't a prince out there good enough for me.

And that's ok.

The men that matter the most in my life were there to pick up the pieces of this horrendous weekend: God, Daddy, Chase, and Micah.

<3

Kiss Today Goodbye

Life is hard.
Really hard.

Why do I do this to myself? I am notorious for spreading myself too thin, taking on more than I can handle, and not asking for help. I want this semester to be over. I'm really glad spring break is here but what will I be doing? Working and homework. Story of my life. I'm trying to work it out so I can go see Danielle next weekend because we are WAY over due for a visit. I miss her lots.

A Chorus Line was PHENOMENAL! I almost cried it was so beautiful. It was incredibly inspiring. I wish I was in half the shape those dancers are in. . . they all had killer bods :) I would like one haha! Too bad Jamie never has time to go to the gym. . .

Things are going heavenly in the relationship department. Chris is an awesome guy and is amazingly patient with me. I bitch and moan a lot because I'm stressed out and he always listens no matter what. And he's not afraid to tell me about his own issues too which is great. I've never had that before. Usually I'm either only listening or only talking. It's nice to get to do both.

And now it's time for a much needed facial... and I think I'm going to get my hair did ;)

If You Liked it Then You Shoulda Put a Ring on it. . .

:)

This week has been. . . interesting to say the least. I am so blessed. Tour was wonderful, I went to homecoming, hung out with Chris, went to my first hockey game, and got a boyfriend all in one week. I am really lucky. Chris is a great guy and I hope he'll stick around for a while. . . I mean I haven't scared him off yet so we'll see.

Hockey is one of my new favorite sports. There's just something about guys ice skating and hitting around a rubber puck with sticks that is really hott. ;) The game was amazing. Thrashers brought their A-game at the end of the third period and handed the Hurricanes their asses. I hope I get to go to another one soon! I really had a blast.

I'm really hoping there isn't going to be any drama. :(

The End.

He's Got You on a Pedestal and Me in His Arms.

I think it's time for a much needed update on my life :)
So here goes. . .
I've finally realized that no matter how much I want to change someones perspective on things. . . I can't. Nothing I say is going to change their mind. And sometimes, maybe that's a good thing. Because when one door closes (and by that I mean you slam that bitch shut, lock it and throw away the key), another one conveniently opens. It's almost as if God was waiting patiently for you to close it so we could move on to the next room. And let me just tell you, the next one appears to be wonderful. . . not that the previous room wasn't mind you. In fact I love that room, more than it'll ever know. . . but I wasn't welcome. And that's ok.

I love cryptic analogies and metaphors :)

Last week I got my very first speeding ticket. . . worst day of my life. But luckily my brother is a cop and somehow finagled it to where it doesn't exist anymore. HOORAY!

School is going. . . very very slowly. Classes are ok. Tour is wonderful but these early calls are KILLING me. I haven't really slept well in the past week. . . excluding last night.

I decided not to apply for the job in New Jersey. I'm writing a new play that I will be directing this summer so I can stay home and be a work-a-holic like I did last summer. Next year I'm definitely doing an internship. I really need to do one before I graduate.

Everyone keeps mentioning their spring break plans, which makes me realize that it's in two weeks. And what am I doing? Nothing. Go figure. Just like I normally do. I wish I could just up and go to NYC. I really need a vacation.

Two of my AM classes are cancelled on Friday so I'm stoked about catching up on sleep. Especially since today and Thursday are going to be brutal. Tonight I'm closing so I'll get home around 11 but I won't actually go to sleep until probably 12 or 1. . . and then I have to be up at 4:30 for tour. Two shows and then off to work again. Kill my soul haha!

I guess I should save the best news for last. Um. . . well I'm kinda talking to someone new. I know, I know, this is just the same old song and dance: Jamie meets a guy that she likes, they talk for a week or two and then he's gone for one of several reasons. One: He's a stalker. Two: He can't handle my life. Three: He's not that into me. Four: I'm not good enough. Or Five: I'm not that into him. 1-3 are usually the cases. 4 happens frequently. And five happens once in a blue moon.

I don't wanna be cliche and say "But this one's different," I mean hell I don't know if it really is all that different. But it's very promising. I like him a lot. In retrospect of the situation, and from the outside looking in, it would appear as if I'm rebound. And maybe I am. I have been assured that I'm not, but I don't seem to mind playing second fiddle. I'm used to it. . . The situation reminds me of that movie My Best Friend's Wedding. I'm Kimmy essentially. I've pretty much got the guy, but somehow there's this lurking presence that I can't shake. If this relationship continues (which I really hope it will), maybe it will go away with time. But until then it's sort of stressing me out. I don't feel desired or wanted. I feel. . . convenient. It's almost as if I'm just the transition to keep his mind off of the break up. But whatever makes him happy I guess.

Just FYI:
At the end of the movie Kimmy gets the guy ;)

Hehehehehe!

Time After Time, I Find That I'm Struggling To Tell You What's Burning Inside

So I'm really worried about a lot of things right now. It always seems like as soon as I get out of one really stressful situation, something else pops up immediately after. The latest stress? A mandatory meal plan that I can't afford. I won't discuss it anymore because I get really worked up just thinking about it. I just have to remind myself that God will provide and he doesn't give me anything I can't handle.

I'm scared for my sake that we're getting too close. I consider you my best friend and I wish you understood where I'm coming from.

In other news, I'm applying for a job in New Jersey. . . it's a wonderful opportunity. I should know something within the next week or so if I get a call back. Oh stress. Also I'm stage managing the show I wanted for class, which is a relief. India and I have started a new Friday ritual: Facials after class accompanied with Starbucks. . . Yummy!

Don't Go Wasting Your Emotions

I hardly ever have any regrets. I believe you learn something from every encounter you have. My latest one made me realize that your closest friends should ALWAYS come before potential love interests. But in the end sometimes they can make you that much closer.

In other news one of my friends from back home passed away today. :(
I'm going home this weekend for like a half day because I'm on duty, but I need to be home for a little bit. I need an escape.

And although Edward Cullen is a fictional character. . . I love him. HAHAHA :) Yay for Twilight!