Totally F*cked

I just don't know anymore. Like I really don't know.

Once Upon a Time in a Far Away Kingdom, Man Made Up a Story Said That I Should Believe Him

ONCE ON THIS ISLAND IS OVER!!! Thank God :) I'm not gonna lie, I will miss the people I worked with but I will NOT miss rehearsals and stress. I almost cried when I left the theatre Monday because I was so relieved.

But the madness will not stop. The worst is over but there's still more to go. I will have Dance Extravaganza rehearsals until we perform next Thursday. I still have to work in between all of this. I have a research paper that I need to do well on. I have two hard core history exams that I have to ace. And then there's my prompt book that needs to be finished. Plus a crap ton of checkouts that I have scheduled until the day I actually checkout. Also there's still duty nights and the Spring Fling. I'm supposed to go see Beauty and the Beast this weekend because it's a lot of my friends' last show in high school, but I don't know how I'm gonna make it up there. Sunday is our last day for Alexander. It's bittersweet. I'm glad I don't have any more early calls, but this cast has really bonded. I love every single one of those people with every fiber of my being. And I really hope that our friendships don't stop here.

And then May 11th we move into our apartment! HOORAY! I'm super excited and I can't wait to be in my own space. I really need to start packing but who has the time???

I'm scared. Of next week. Of the next week. Of the summer. Of next semester. Of life.

I'm trying to swallow the fact that I probably won't be able to see Micah this weekend. I have so much to do down here :( But I miss him soooo much. Grrrrrr. . . .

I don't know if I'm even going to get to do my freestage because everyone and their mother's brother is doing a musical revue. Even though mine will be different because it's a cabaret, it's still held in that category. *Rolls eyes* Not fair.

But life isn't fair.

I'm tired of bitching

That's all I fucking do anymore.

And I Feel Like I Can Fly When I Stand Next to You

I'm supposed to be finishing up a research paper right now. . . but I'm so easily distracted :) I haven't blogged in a while so I thought NOW would be a PERFECT time to update hahahahaha.
Food Network is on which is probably a mistake on my part. I haven't watched it in a REALLY long time and they're doing a cake challenge and of course, those are my favorite. *Sigh* I want to go to culinary school. There are times where I wonder why I'm at CSU and want to stop and just go cook and bake stuff. I feel like I wouldn't be good enough and would have wasted a lot of time here. Don't worry I'm not dropping out of school or changing my major because I want to teach theatre more than anything. But there are times where I want to take a break from it all and do something else that I love for a minute. There are so many things that I want to do while I'm still young. I'm realizing that I'm not nearly as good at this whole college thing than I thought I was. I can't handle this much stress at once. Once On This Island goes up tomorrow so I'm super stoked about it being over. It's been a learning experience and I'm grateful for the relationships I've made, but I am not stage manager material. It takes a truly gifted person to do all that. . . and that's not me.

I miss home. I miss my parents and even my stupid little brother. I miss my dogs. I miss my Micah. :(

Things with him are great by the way. We went and saw Chitty Chitty Bang Bang last Thursday. Even though it should have been titled Shitty Shitty Bang Bang, it was still a lot of fun ;) Ok I shouldn't be so critical. It was a beautiful show technically. Impeccable lighting design and phenomenal set. And the car actually flew. . . that was pretty balling. But the acting. . . a little lackluster to be honest. The show wasn't very well written either. I guess I set my standards too high since the movie was soooo amazing. But none of that really mattered because I was with my most favoritest person in the whole wide world :) *Sigh* I love him so much. I love the way his arms feel when he holds me. I love that I can talk to him for hours and not get bored. I love the way he smells. I love that my life ends as I know it every time he kisses me. I love how he's always there for me and for some strange reason puts up with my whining and bitching and complaining. He's so awesome. But what I love most of all. . . he loves me too. :) Yay!

And I should finish that paper. . . almost done! I don't think any of my thoughts are very coherent at this point because I'm so tired. I feel like I'll realize this when I read my paper and this post tomorrow lol. :)

All My Loving I Will Send to You

Tornados suck.

My boyfriend is freaking awesome and came to see me Sunday. Best day ever :)

I get to see him AGAIN on Thursday. Hooray!

One more week of Once on This Island!

Theatre classes were cancelled but main campus ones weren't because of the Torando.... complete and utter ridiculousness.

The school year's almost over!

Dance Extravaganza will be awesome (if I can make it to a freaking rehearasal.)

I really need to turn in my proposal for my freestage!

I'll be Thinking of Home, and I'll Think of You Every Night at the Same Time, When the Sun Goes Down. .

Once On This Island opens in less than two weeks :) PRAISE GOD! I am almost done with Stage Management for good. It's definitely been a learning experience to say the least, but I have never been so miserable in the past two months than I have been in my entire life.

I make it sound like my life is awful. . . it's not.
I have a lot to be thankful for. And sometimes I wish I could remind myself of that. It's a thought that I keep pushed in the back of my mind but it really needs to be brought out more.

I feel like I have this thought every time I blog. . .

Dance Extravaganza is May 7th and I'm really excited. I didn't realize how much I miss spinning. Next semester I really need to block in time to do it because it's such a release for me. Just throwing flags and sabres up in the air at ridiculously high altitudes is. . . awesome :)

I got all my classes, and next semester I will hopefully be directing a free stage. It will be a cabaret show essentially with Emcees and the works. I'm stoked and hope it all goes according to plan.

And then there's my boyfriend. . . *sigh.* It's so hard knowing that someone can be so indifferent when you care so much. I have never been so sure of something in a long time. But it's not up to me. Relationships can't be one-sided. This isn't even about me anymore. . . honestly, it never really has been. I want so much for him and want him to be content. I just want to make him happy. And I can't. I know I can't but that doesn't change how desperately I want to. I feel. . . helpless. I'm looking up and sometimes it's as if no one's there. . . which I know is not the case. God works in mysterious ways. Ahh the things you do for love. :)

Sure as a Wave Needs to be Near the Shore. . .

. . .You are the One I Was Intended For. . .

I register for classes on Friday. :) I'm pretty stoked because I have priority registration for being in a show. HOORAY! But my schedule is near perfect. I'll hopefully only have one class on Monday's and Wednesday's plus a little bit of Theatre Practice. No biggie. Plus two online education classes which should be cake from what I understand. I'm really stoked about Directing I. . . and Children's Theatre with the amazing Brenda. It's gonna be a great semester. I also blocked in time to go to work so I can pay rent on my apartment! Yep, Hillcrest is ours! Chase and I will move in at the end of the month and I cannot even express how excited I am. I'll miss the dorms but I will not miss the drama. I decided not to audition for the season because I need a break from this crazy life that I've been living. Who knows? Maybe I'll direct or audition for a freestage or something. . .

My mom just texted me and told me my ticket has been taken care of. Praise the Lord! One less thing I have to worry about. I get paid tomorrow but all of that money is going straight back to mom since she had to spot me till I got my paycheck. Then I have to wait two more weeks to buy groceries and finish making payments on the apartment *rolls eyes.* Ugh how stressful!

I get to see Micah in a little over a week! God, I miss him. I cannot wait! :)